A Quasi-Scientific Analysis of DoucheBaggery

I was just thinking.  Yes: occassionally I do that.  We Americans like the word “douche” very much.  We use it in combination with other words to create nouns, verbs and adverbs in very creative ways.  But when denegrating others, in our rush to make a cool sounding phrase, we are actually cheating ourselves of using a more appropriate phrase: enema bag. 

That’s right.  We like to say “douche bag!” and other phrases like “douche-face”, “douche-breath” and “sir douche-a-lot”, or even my personal favoriate: “Lord Douchely” (only if you say it like a big, barrell-chested retired British Army Colonel with a bushy mustache and monacle). 

We don’t call people “enema bag” and “enema face” because it just doesn’t roll off the tongue quite as well.  So, douche wins.  Not because it’s actually a symbol of lowest comparative denominator, but because it just sounds better.  It’s also easier to say “douche brain” than “enema bag” when you’ve polished off a case of beer.

And some people wonder why I don’t get government study grants handed to me.  P-shaaaa!

Read More

Programming Thoughts

If you write code that supports an application that maintains an active stream read (consumes a data stream) from a remote file, registry key, WMI/WBEM provider, DB source, etc., such as an active log parser or event monitor, and your app hangs when the remote connection fails:

Walk outside and kill yourself. Your software sucks and is causing pain to other human beings. If suicide isn't your thing, then volunteer for medical research. That is all. Thank you.

Read More

Stupid Geek Tricks: PowerShell, VBscript, Jscript

When I’m bored on a Friday night and none of my twitter followers are bored enough to suggest something for me to do, I do stupid crap like this:

PowerShell script that calls Cscript and a VBS script, which invokes Javascript and returns the result up the pipeline back to PowerShell.  Enjoy.

PowerShell code (test1.ps1):

$answer = cscript.exe /nologo .\test1.vbs
"Cosine of 33 is $answer"

VBscript code (test1.vbs):

Function Cosine(numValue)
    Set sc = CreateObject("ScriptControl")
    sc.Language = "jscript"
    result = sc.Eval("Math.cos(" & numValue & ")")
    sc = 0
    Cosine = result
End Function

x = Cosine(33)
wscript.echo x

Drop both files in the same folder and run the PowerShell script to spank the VBscript into submission.  Yes, I know it's not passing object handles around, but rather just passing strings around but who cares. It's Friday and I'm bored out of my skull. I have no life. I hope you do.

Read More

The 10 Basic Laws of Scripting

These apply regardless of language, platform, nationality, planetary or galactic realm...



1. Thou shalt Document thy code or thou shall be kicked in thy crotch, severely and repeatedly. Thou shall at least provide a heading to denote filename, author, date and description.



2. Hard-coded folder paths shall be avoided at all costs. Use path variables from the fountain of variables. Violators shall be violated by gangs of convicts.



3. Assumptions shall not be taken about execution environment conditions. All shall be validated at runtime.



4. Error checking shall be done at all points where even the idea of an error might occur.



5. All errors/exceptions shall be properly handled or thou shall be banished to thy woodchipper. This applies to type checking as well.



6. Execute remote elevation in local system context. If thou hast done their preparation, this will always work.



7. Thou shall consume caffeine or alcohol if permissible. Even if not permissible.



8. Expect failures at every point and plan ahead for them.



9. Thou shall test thy code in an isolated environment before ever touching thy production environment. Failing to heed will result in a most horrific use of ice-climbing boots



10. Nay-sayers shall be drawn and quartered.



Let it be written.

Read More

What’s Wrong with this Blog

This blog.  My blog.  It violates almost every rule SEO nutjobs insist upon.  But that’s exactly why I chose the path I’ve taken with it.  The name “Skatterbrainz” has been my monicker for years.  I started on Twitter with it, but before that I used it when signing up on forums and bulletin boards and various other things.  There are other people using the same name of course, but I only use it on tech-oriented sites and my own blogs and sites.

They say a blog should stick to a narrow, focused, concise topic or subject.  I do not.

They say a blog should mention brand names within a focused context.  I do not.  Well, not usually.

They say a blog should be closely integrated with a holistic social network experience. Mine does not.

Do I pay a price for this ecclectic diffusion of mental diversity?  Not really.  Blogs are free.  I spend time on it, but to me that is therapy.  I make no money from this blog in any way except to mention my books (ok, ok, okaay, geeez: e-books), but that’s still not a direct return.  My total AdSense revenue balance is around $0.20, so that doesn’t count really.

I’ve tried several times to elicit feedback from readers as to what subjects I should focus on mostly, but that was a failed effort.  The four responses I received were entirely unrelated and offered no real direction to follow.  So, without a GPS to guide me on my journey through the fields of idiocy, I chart my own course using my patented Stevie Wonder GPS.

I don’t possess enough pure technical wisdom to maintain a serious fountain of knowledge like other blogs do, which is fine.  They do an amazing job of that already.  I’m not trying to compete with anyone.  I just dump my thoughts and hopefully a little something to make someone smile.  Even if I just make someone shake their head in total disbelief, that’s a good thing.

I’ve taken some breaks and pauses along the way.  I’ve even given up on it twice, but I had to come back to it.  I wasn’t even sure if anyone was reading it, but that isn’t important.  I hope to keep this thing going for a while longer.  Above all, I want to thank YOU for reading my posts and sharing your thoughts with me and other readers.

Read More

Assorted Ways to Detect .NET 4.0

CMD / BAT
 
@echo off
reg query hklm\software\microsoft\.NETFramework\v4.0.30319 >nul
if %errorlevel%==0 (
    echo found
) else (
    echo not found
)
 
VBScript Registry Test
 
Set oShell = CreateObject("Wscript.Shell")
On Error Resume Next
bKey = oShell.RegRead("HKLM\SOFTWARE\Microsoft\.NETFramework\v4.0.30319\")
If err.Number = 0 Then
    wscript.echo "found"
Else
    wscript.echo "not found"
End If
 
PowerShell Registry Test
 
if (test-path hklm:\software\microsoft\.NETFramework\v4.0.30319) {
    write found
} else {
    write not found
}
 
VBScript Folder Test
 
Set objFSO = CreateObject(“Scripting.FileSystemObject”)
If objFSO.FolderExists(“C:\Windows\Microsoft.NET\Framework\v4.0.30319”) Then
    wscript.echo “found”
Else
    wscript.echo “not found”
End If
 
PowerShell Folder Test
 
If (test-path $env:windir"\Microsoft.NET\Framework\v4.0.30319") {
    write found
} else {
    write not found
}
 
VBScript WMI Win32_Product Test
 
strComputer = "."
Set objWMIService = GetObject("winmgmts:\\" & strComputer & "\root\CIMV2")
Set colItems = objWMIService.ExecQuery( _
    "SELECT * FROM Win32_Product WHERE Caption LIKE '%.NET Framework 4%'",,48)
For Each objItem in colItems
    Wscript.Echo "Caption: " & objItem.Caption
Next

Read More

Wise is Dead

It's official. Wise Package Studio, like the Wise brand itself, is dead. It just doesn't know it yet. Like a family circled around their 116 year old grandfather laying on a bed in a coma on life support. They refuse to accept the inevitable.



Was there an official announcement? No. I'm basing this diatribe on de facto environmental signs.



What signs?



- WPS 8.0 doesn't install and work properly on Windows 7. At least not consistently. Even though the brochure material hints that it is.



- The Symantec folks at Tech-Ed 2011 reacted to my Wise questions as if they were surprised that the brand name was still in existence.



- The comments in the Symantec Endpoint Wise Package Studio forums are pretty blunt that Symantec is not putting any effort or funding into future development.



That means Flexera will soon be the market monopolist. Even with dozens of smaller vendors in the ring, most customers are moving to, or will soon move to AdminStudio.



What a shame. I've been involved with software development projects staffed with brilliant and creative people, but were suffocated to death by accountants and clueless MBA golfers. I think of that when I realize how much work has been put into WPS over the years. With Symantec producing pure shit products on a higher marketing level, this is one that could retain their integrity and value as a real competitor in a market of only two real players. Both of which being way over-priced.



Oh well. Sorry to see you go, Wise. You were pretty good while you were alive. RIP.

Read More