My Trip to West Virginia (Updated)

Updated 6/21/13:

I haven't posted any in-depth stories in quite a while, so I'm overdo obviously.  If you're going on the ride with me now, then grab your coffee, sit down, and strap-in (or strap on, if that's your thing).  The ride is about to begin.

My brother Larry (second-oldest in our family; I'm the youngest) and I drove up to his cabin on top of one of North Fork Mountain, one of the tallest places in West "By-God" Virginia back in mid-May of this year.  About one month ago, as the crow flies.  He lives in Northern Virginia, and I live in Virginia Beach, in the Southeastern corner of the state, about three hours apart via driving.  To make things convenient, we met at my sister's house in Richmond, parked my car, and hopped in his Jeep to continue on our trip.  In all, it was about a five-hour journey to our destination in West Virginia.

I took so many pictures of the beautiful scenery along the way that my poor 16 GB iPhone 4S couldn't keep up.  If I didn't have my laptop to offload them onto, I would have been seriously depressed. (Yes, I know, you Android folks are going to tell me to get an Android phone, which I may very well do upon my next renewal on Verizon unless Apple pulls a major upset between now and August 2013).

The Scenery

What can I say?  The rolling pastures, the small towns, and the gracefully winding roads along the way are simply candy for my hungry eyeballs.  I haven't traveled to as many places within America as most of my friends have, but I have been through Colorado, Maryland, Virginia, North Carolina, Michigan, quite a bit of Florida, New Jersey and Pennsylvania.  I'm convinced that West Virginia contains some of the most beautiful land I have ever set foot upon.

 The first picture shows the snow-melt creek that runs under the entrance road at the main gate at the foot of the mountain.  The land around the foot of the mountain is part of a small county of mostly small family dairy farms, chicken and pig farms, and crops.

Inside the gate, and up the mountain, it's private land.  The mountain is parsed into lots of anywhere from two to five acres each.  My brother's cabin is on a 3 acre lot on the eastern-facing side of the top of the mountain.

The little lizard guy below was so still in the middle of one of the trails that I first thought it was a kid's toy.  Then I remembered that there aren't any kids on this particular mountain.  As soon as I stooped down to get a closer look, he suddenly moved, which made me jump back a bit.  He (or she?) was about 5-6 inches long from nose to tail.

I saw another one with the same coloring not much later. I also saw another that was black with bright green spots, which was hiding under a rock that I turned over.

 Most of the drive up on Saturday was under an overcast sky.  No rain to speak of, just a calm, cloudy day.

Alpine baby cones

Forest trail (entrance road) near the foot of the mountain

Typical foggy view on Saturday (near the peak)

More baby Alpine cones

The colors of the various trees, flowers and even the rock formations were (are) simply amazing!  The baby Alpine cones are a much more vivid magenta than my iPhone could capture. Some of them have red spores at the tips, while others are pure pink, purple or magenta. I'm sure a tree expert could tell me more, but to me they're either long or short needle Pine trees. :)

The Fruits of our Labor

Mission Semi-Accomplished

Rocks left behind from road-building

Ultimately, our mission was to cover the existing plywood flooring with a layer of tongue-and-groove oak flooring.  We could have easily completed our mission had it not been for a few distractions, setbacks and snafu's.

1. Tools.  Or I should say, lack thereof.  We had most of the obvious items on hand. But it seemed that every time we turned around, there was a small, but important task, which required a tool we didn't think to bring along.  Things like a cordless screwdriver, a chalk line, a pry-bar, and a set of wire cutters.

2. Gas Generator.  The Coleman gas-powered electric generator that my brother purchased was designed by a team of blind monkeys, strung-out on heroin, and with both of their arms broken.  Seriously:  It is the single-worst designed product of ANY KIND that I have EVER encountered in my 49 years of living on this ball of dirt.

Let me elaborate:  The problem started when the "full" tank of gas ran out within an hour of filling it up.  Upon closer inspection, the rubber tube connection between the tank and the carburetor was not rated for gasoline.  It dissolved into a slimy goo.

Taking the generator case apart led to more wonders.  For starters, each of the eight screws was a different length.  As soon as you separate the molded plastic case halves, the lack of internal wiring length translates into immediate disconnections, which are not color coded or matched in any way to make it apparent to the non-blinded monkey how they are to be reconnected.  Then finally, the rubber tube itself is a dog-legged thing with a 3/16" diameter opening on one end, and a 3/8" opening on the other.  Not easily replaced with your standard, run-of-the-mill spare tubing you might have laying around.

Add to this the small but significant feature in the nearby town that they close everything except food stores and doctor's offices on Sundays, which this little mishap conveniently occurred upon.

We managed to drive down to the town in the valley anyway, run into a VERY nice family who had everything they owned laying around their yard, including a spool of rubber tubing which was roughly 1/4" diameter, and could be forced into working a la MacGyver style.  After two hours of bending, twisting, slipping, scraping, bruising, cursing and swearing, we managed to get the tube replaced and after another half-hour we had the casing reassembled and were able to fill the tank again and get it started.  It was now about 10:30 PM.  

With the electricity back in action, and the lights back on, we got to work fast on the flooring and made some decent progress. Measuring, marking, cutting, knocking into place, nailing... wash, rinse, and repeat.

The Crux of the Biscuit

The best part of this whole experience actually had little to do with the flooring task.  It was just spending time with my brother Larry.  When we were little, he was roughly nine years older than I, so we had little in common and no mutual friends.  There weren't many things we did together until many years later.  As we've grown older we tend to stay in touch more and our discussions seem to indicate more in common than either of us ever expected.  With both our mom and dad having passed away, the stories we can share with each other about things that they did are nothing less than priceless.

While we haven't nailed down an exact date, we are determined to go back up to finish the flooring, as well as some overdue maintenance on the windows and siding.  I'm looking forward to it.  More to come, stay tuned!

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Seven Warning Signs of Highly Dysfunctional Programming

This is the long-promised "part 2" ("part deux" for you French folks)  mentioned in this previous article...

http://skatterbrainz.blogspot.com/2013/02/red-alerts-for-bad-programming-part-1.html?m=1

In any case, let's begin:

1. Inconsistent or missing code documentation. 

Document each distinct function or subroutine. Document your variables. Document any complicated sections of code as well. It's not just for someone else; it's to help you as well. A year later, after you've destroyed half of your already-dwindling feeble brain cells on red bull, liquor and meth, and assuming they let you out early on good behavior, you'll be glad you left some clues behind to explain your delusional code. 

2. Inconsistent formatting. 

If you're going to capitalize some particular word or phrase in your code, do it the same throughout ALL of your shitty code. The same goes for indentation. And for God's sake: indent your shitty code!!!  Between the start and end of each function definition, while-loop, if-then-else block, switch-case or select-case block, whatever: indent the crap in between!

If you can't be counted on to be consistent, you can't be counted on to write code that works consistently. 

3. Stupid Versioning. 

If you write code for Google, Microsoft, or Facebook, by all means, follow their internal guidelines. If you work for a start-up along with other developers, coordinate to develop a standard set of guidelines and follow them. 

If you write code for your own projects, try to avoid pretentious douchebaggery habits like setting version numbers as 0.0.01101.33b. Back away from your can of RockStar and come down to Earth a bit. There's nothing wrong or shameful about using version numbers like 1.0 or date-based versioning, like 2013.06.22.01. 

Using stupid long meaningless version numbers doesn't fool anyone into thinking you run your own coding empire with enslaved coders rowing a yacht in unison as you drone out coding orders over a megaphone. 

4. Picking the platform or language without regard to the target demographic. 

If the majority of users you expect to target your uberware at are running on Windows-based devices, then use a platform toolset that is native to that platform. Same goes for Linux, Android, iOS, and what have you.

Using some obscure, or favorite pet languages might be cute and clever, but unless you can prove there is a significant performance benefit, don't bother. If you're concerned about the costs of using those tools, maybe you chose the wrong target audience. 

5. Working in isolation. 

It doesn't matter if you've been writing software code since 1743, if that was even possible; every human can benefit from the advice and experiences of their peers. If you don't feel that your current environment provides any peers, then maybe it's time to consider one of two possible options:

(1) Seek additional staffing.

(2) Quit.

6. Ignoring Redundancy. 

Make backups every day. Make backups every day. Make backups every day. 

Make backups every day. Make backups every day. 

7. Assuming You Are a Namespace. 

Prefix your variables, function names, module names, etc. with a common and consistent naming convention. Preferably something unique and not likely to collide with namespaces on the target platform you are developing for. 

If you app runs on the Google Plus environment it might not be good to name all your public variables "gplus_" 

, or on Facebook to name them "fb_" or "facebook_" ..,whatever. If your app is called "Fubar Plus 2014", maybe a good namespace prefix could be "fubar_", "fubar_2014_", or even "my_shitty_code_".

If you haven't encountered namespace conflicts before, consider yourself either fortunate or be concerned about being the only developer on your target platform. 

8. (BONUS): Coding Without Caffeine. 

I will accept Adderol or some other dextroamphetamine-based stimulant as a suitable substitute. However proficient and productive you believe yourself to be at coding sans chemical stimulation, scientific studies have proven beyond all doubt that said chemical stimulation makes you even more proficient and productive. Even if you suck at coding, you will just suck faster. 

Disclaimer: I can't cite any specific scientific studies, nor am I a professional medical expert, however I have been known to play the role of an expert at social gatherings and on some Internet forums. Actual results may vary. Batteries not included. Add water to make its own sauce. Offer not valid in states where prohibited. 

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Ten Lessons I Learned in my 20 Years in IT

As just one of thousands of professional IT consultants, who routinely guide unsure customers through spending thousands, even millions of dollars, based *entirely* on their trust in you and your experience, the most important lessons I've ever learned through the past twenty years could be summed up as follows:

1. If you don't absolutely, truthfully and unconditionally know the answer to a question, say you don't know. It's not a crime to not know every answer. 

2. If you didn't directly see it with your own eyes; directly hear it with your own ears; touch, taste or smell it, do not EVER say you know for sure it happened. It's okay to say "I heard that ____ happened...".

3. Treat everyone with respect until they give you a reason not to. Do your best to greet every person who passes by. If you're tired of dealing with a shitty world, stop adding to the shittiness. You'd be surprised how many interesting people you will encounter when you start off with a smile and a "good morning!"

4. 9999.9999 times out of 10,000 the solution to a technical challenge involves people, not technology. It's almost always a defective process. 

5. Software products are never really finished. 

6. A certificate is nice, but it's no substitute for real experience. 

7. Never trust a vendor who says "trust me"

8. Coffee is the greatest technological invention in the history of mankind. Beer is a very close second place. 

9. Lesson number 8 should be taught from kindergarten through college. 

10. What happens in Vegas usually ends up on Facebook. 

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So, You Want to Create a New Religion...

I've just polished off a plate of blackened fish tacos and a couple of Mojitos, rode around on my bike  afterwards in 90+ F heat and moderate humidity, so now I'm ready to write something completely stupid and worthless for pure time-wasting.  Sit down, strap in, shut up, and absorb this mind-expanding wisdom I'm about to pour all over you.

Say What?

I was thinking about the current state of world religions and faiths and worship and all that stuff.  And I was also thinking about why so many have been concocted and so many have failed, leaving the relatively small assortment behind for us to shell out our hard-earned money to.  After a few weeks of worshiping the one true, indisputable, Universe-creating God: The Flying Spaghetti Monster, obviously, I got to wondering what it would take to sit down and architect a successful religion in this day and age.  Here goes.

Name

You need a really catchy, but easy to say name.  Something that rolls off the tongue smoothly and with just the right amount of alliteration to make it enjoyable after a round of stiff drinks.  The clear winner is Jesus.  Nobody has nailed this on the head like good old JC has.  Let's face it, even if you are a DIE HARD ATHIEST, and you see a four-headed dog walk in the room and eat all of its own legs right in front of you, the odds are 999,999,9999,999999999 to 1 that you will say one of the following phrases:

• "Jesus!"
• "Jesus Christ!"
• "Jesus H. Christ!"
• "Jesus T****-F****** Christ!!!" (omage to Team America)

Nobody.  I mean NOBODY ever says "Muhammad!" or "Abraham!" ,when they see something the completely blows their mind.  They can't even begin to utter "Holy Flying Spaghetti Monster!!!" either.  So, case closed.  Slam dunk. You have to settle on a name which is catchier than JC's.

Rituals

Nobody has this one nailed like the Muslims do.  Say what you want about Sunday church services, or Catholic confessional, or whatever the rest of you do, when it comes to demonstrating utmost faith, you just can't beat salat.  Known to Bud-Lite-swillers as "prayin to Mecca a bunch of times erry day?", this is the ritual stopping, laying out a pretty (and clean!) rug, kneeling and praying towards the direction of your holiest city, and doing it FIVE times EVERY DAY.  Slam dunk.  You have to invent a ritual that tops this one.  I'd say you might stand a chance if you involve beer or sex, but short of that, forget it.

Holidays

Christmas is the clear winner.  Not because of the length, which the Jews have in their corner with Hannukah, or Chanukah, or however you spell it this week.  It's because they've managed to tie the entire concept of Jesus' birth with SALES and BUYING STUFF.  Let's face it: It's a natural combination.  When the three wise guys showed up, they obviously stopped off at Old Navy to get the baby wonder something slammin'.  I don't even know what Muslims or Sikhs or Buddhists do on their holidays, which is pretty my point.  If you win over the advertising pukes, you've won, period.  You have to invent holidays that meet the prime directive of your NASCAR/NFL/MLB/Kardashian/Hell's Kitchen watching folk:

• All of your holidays should land on a Friday or a Monday
• They should involve buying and sharing gifts
• They should involve being off of work
• They should involve beer, sex, fattening foods, and loud engines, or all four

Belief System

This one is a tie.  They're all stupid.  Too many restrictions, period.  Your new religion should take the best of each and add in the usual human margin of stupidity.  For example: Lying.  Everyone lies.  If you really never have lied, and still do not, then you are already a deity, and wouldn't be reading my stupid blog anyway, so shut up.

Self-Control

We all should realize by now that world religions are rife with corruption and human fault.  The only way to avoid such animalistic failure is to build in some sort of self-limiting process.  Kind of like the restricter plate on a NASCAR race car. Maybe institute a prime directive rule that says the supreme leader of your religion must blow him/her self up after X years of leading the sheep.  Maybe something more entertaining, such as requiring them to cut off their own head with a dull knife, live, on YouTube.  And why stop there?!  Make it a requirement to dance around in chicken suit with a cowbell necklace first, and sing Alice Cooper songs.  Then do the deed.

So, there you have it.  If you can concoct a comprehensive, cohesive, structured circus of mindless worshipers using these basic rules, you should be on your way to success.  Just remember to stop and say "Hi!" to Pat Robertson on your way up.  Cheers!

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