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Friday, 16 August 2013

The Windows XP Dilemma - Part 1

Posted on 12:17 by Unknown
I apologize for not having posted anything of significance in quite a while.  My life has been a roller coaster lately and I haven't had time to focus on writing as much as I used to.  But here goes...

Rod Trent got my attention today when he posted a link to a humorous article about "Top 10 Reasons to Keep Windows XP", over on Windows IT Pro Magazine's web site.  It is pretty funny, and I encourage you to take a break from any serious crap going on around you and read it.  However, I have more to say on this subject, so I also encourage you to continue reading below.  Keep in mind that I'm walking a fine line between end-user and IT professional, as it pertains to my wording.  I may put some of the IT pros to sleep here, but don't worry, I'm going to pour more sauce into it to keep things alive.  Read on....



That said (or written), I had some other thoughts on this Windows XP issue.  Some of which may have been mentioned by others before me, but I will layer my thoughts with my own sauce to make it more tasty.

Why are ANY companies still on Windows XP?  Never mind that there are still more of them are still using (and relying upon) Windows XP than you, or I (or Microsoft) would want to believe.  From my own personal standpoint: If I couldn't afford to purchase a new version of Windows, I would replace it with some flavor of Linux.  Drastic?  Sure.  A bit hyped?  Maybe.  But let me slather some Dave sauce on it here a bit...

I'm sure you've heard enough about how Windows Vista, Windows 7, and Windows 8, all provide better security, reliability, performance and more exciting features, than Windows XP.  I'm sure you've seen the "deals" offered at every retail shop from BestBuy to whomever.  I'm sure you've seen the ads on every web site, from Acer, Asus, Dell, HP, Lenovo, Samsung, and every manufacturer ever imagined.

But, think about this for a moment, as you read this from your Windows XP computer sitting at home, in the office, or some fast food place, or coffee shop:

A Real World Test

In 2007, when I had the luxury of a "testing lab" network at the place I was working at, I decided to see if my suspicions were valid about how vulnerable a "stock/generic" Windows XP Professional installation would be if it were connected "directly" to the Internet.  No firewalls of any kind.  No anti-virus or anti-malware protection of any kind.  Just regular, vanilla, reseller-agnostic version of Windows XP Professional, with Service Pack 2 "slipstreamed" into the base installation.

I repeated this test six (6) times over the course of two (2) weeks.  The same installation process was used on two different pieces of hardware: A Dell OptiPlex GX260 and a Dell OptiPlex GX270.  Those were the standard-issue platforms for all of our corporate employees at that time.  Three (3) installs on each of the two (2) machines (like I said: six tests overall).

The average time it took for someone outside to port scan, probe, identify a hole, exploit it, and install something malicious was 2.5 minutes.  Some took longer.  One was "owned" by an outsider in less than one minute. And this is on relatively slow hardware, by today's standards anyway.

Four (4) of those involved a variant of the most-popular root kit of that time.

The short end of this was that none of the installations could be reliably recovered.  All of them required a completely new re-install, in an isolated or firewalled environment, in order to provide any reasonable assurance of "security".

When Windows Vista was released, I tried the same test, but only on one piece of hardware, repeated twice (2 times).  I couldn't use more hardware, nor could I repeat the test more times, because we were in the midst of being acquired by another company.  The new owners ordered an immediate shutdown, disconnect, and dismantling of the "test lab". NO questions were to be asked.  Just "do it" and do it "now!", I was told.

(Side note: It's a little bit ironic that a week later I was chided for not being able to test a patch before it was to be pushed out in to production.  When they asked me why I hadn't tested it, I said because I no longer had a "test lab".  They asked me "Why" and I said, "Because YOU told me to get rid of it.  Would you like me to print and show you your own e-mail?".  Good times).

Longer story made short:  The tests with Windows Vista went much better, mainly as a result of having (a) a better firewall feature in place, and (b) fewer "attack surfaces" left open by default.  Windows 7  and Windows 8, respectively, have continued on in that direction of battening down the hatches for greater security, while at the same time, making better use of the current hardware capabilities.  The net result is a much better, and much SAFER experience for YOU, your family members and loved ones, your sports teammates, your alumni members, and your business.

Why Continue Using It?

So why do people remain on such an insecure, unprotected operating system?  Two reasons:  Budget (or, lack thereof), and Laziness.

But, there's more to it than just those two excuses.  If you turn off your 1998-2002 era piece of computer garbage (oops, I meant to say "computer hardware", my bad), and run down to a store to buy a new version of Windows for your old decrepit computer, will that take care of it all?

No.

Why not?

Because there's more to it than just the operating system.  There are additional concerns like drivers (programs that help your Windows operating system "see" and work properly with various other hardware gadgets inside and connected to your computer), your software programs, and so on.

(shameless plug: I'm writing another book related to this subject, but you're not required to buy it - psssssst, but doing so would help me feed my four kids, just sayin')...

Situation 1 - Applications

You've been relying upon TurboTax 1998 Edition, Doom II, and Lotus 123 for all your serious work on your old, rusted-out Windows XP machine.  You drive over to BestBuy and discover that Lotus is gone from the shelves; there's only TurboTax Premium 2014 Edition, and the mention of Doom II just makes all of the teen-aged clerks scratch their heads in confusion.  Now what?  You have to buy a  (dum-de-dum-dum-DUMMMM! music goes here) NEW COMPUTER.  Bad news for your bank account.

Situation 2 - Hardware

Those tax forms, spreadsheets, and game stats all had to be printed out on your trusty inkjet printer you bought back in 1999 or 2000.  The Cyan ink jet is dried up solid, so everything only comes out in weird tones and shades, but hey, it still works, right?  At least the gray-scale and all-black prints work okay.  You start looking at a spiffy new printer.  Man!  They sure have added some cool new features since then!  And wow, the prices aren't actually all that bad.  Then you spin the box around and look at that dreaded "System Requirements" disclaimer stuff.  Then you see it: "Windows Vista, Windows 7 or later."

If you had to stop and ask yourself: "They have newer versions of Windows than XP?" just stop right now and go to the nearest bar. I can't help you any further at this point.

If you're still reading, you're probably wondering about why there are new requirements.  It's because with newer operating systems, you get newer features, and those bring newer functions and capabilities.  Those all mean newer tools that have to be used in order for the new gadgets to talk to Windows so they each understand what the other is saying.  Trying to put a 2013 model printer on a 1998 computer setup is like sending a skaterboarder punk kid back to 1882 and dropping them into a courtroom to argue a legal case.  It's not going to work out very well for anyone.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Coming up in Part 2 - The emergence of Software Repackaging in the world of Windows upgrades and migrations.  The peripheral problems.  The licensing nightmares.  And more!
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Posted in backups, browsers, security, thoughts, windows 7, windows8 | No comments

Wednesday, 24 July 2013

Big News! E-Book Price Reductions!

Posted on 10:28 by Unknown
If you have ever stayed awake long enough to read through any of my books: THANK YOU!

If you've read one or two of them, and wondered if any of the others are any good, well.... now is your chance to explore.


Big News...
Major Pricing Discounts on my E-Books!


Major Discounts will be applied starting this week.  Amazon has to process the price changes, so they may not be posted for another 24-48 hours (from today: July 24, 2013).

If you still see the "Old Price" posted on the Amazon product page, refresh the web page or come back to it until you see the updated prices.

The new prices are shown below.  Read the Q & A below for more information...





Amazon Kindle Publication Old Price (USD) New Price (USD) Discount

Grinding Gears: The Art of Software Repackaging and Deployment

Packaging, Testing, Deploying, Uninstalling and Upgrading Software Applications on the Windows platform.  Also covers Configuration Manager, Scripting, Group Policy, and more!
$6.99 $5.99 15%

Why Your Next IT Project Will Fail (and What You Can Do to Avoid It)

Why do Projects fail? More specifically: Why do IT Projects fail? Is there a common thread or pattern that exists among failed IT Projects? Is it predominantly a failure of technology; of people; or a failure of both? Are there warning signs that make it easy to spot the causes before they become problems, with sufficient time to correct them? Are there steps that can be taken to correct the problem once it's begun? Are there strategies that can help prevent these potential issues from occurring again?
$4.99 $2.99 40%

The Visual LISP Developer's Bible: 2011 Edition

Developing, Testing and Compiling VLISP code for AutoCAD 2011.  VLIDE options as well as tips and tricks.
$7.99 $5.99 25%

The Visual LISP Developer's Bible: 1st Edition

The Original. The e-book that started it all for me. 
$4.99 $2.99 40%

The AutoCAD Network Administrator's Bible: 2013 Edition

Setting up FlexLM and network licensing. Building, Testing and Deploying Autodesk 2013 products (aka "Deployments"), logs, option files, troubleshooting and more.
$9.99 $7.99 20%

The AutoCAD Network Administrator's Bible: 2012 Edition

Setting up FlexLM and network licensing. Building, Testing and Deploying Autodesk 2012 products (aka "Deployments"), logs, option files, troubleshooting and more.
$6.99 $4.99 30%

The AutoCAD Network Administrator's Bible: 2011 Edition

Setting up FlexLM and network licensing. Building, Testing and Deploying Autodesk 2011 products (aka "Deployments"), logs, option files, troubleshooting and more.
$3.99 $2.99 25%

In addition: Some of my e-Books which were not enrolled in the Amazon KDP Select program, are now enrolled! 

  • The Packager's Pocket Reference, 2nd Edition ($5.99)
  • Grinding Gears: The Art of Software Repackaging and Deployment ($5.99)
  • You're Only as Good as Your Last Mistake ($2.99)


Q & A (Questions and Answers)

How Long will this Discount Offer Last?  These prices will remain in effect until August 10, 2013, or roughly 16 days from when the new prices go into effect.  After that, they will be returned to their previous prices.

Do you need a Kindle to read these?  NO.  You can download a FREE Kindle Reader App for almost any mobile device.  You can also read them in almost any web browser using the Amazon Kindle Cloud Reader.

You can read these, using a FREE reader app, on your iPhone, iTablet, iPod, Blackberry, Android device, Windows device, and more.

What Locations will see these Discounts?  The new prices will go into effect in all markets in which Amazon applies international currency conversions.  If you live or reside in a location which is not handled by their automated currency conversion process,  you will see whatever discount is applied as a derived translation of the U.S. Dollar value, as best as I can figure out. 

The markets which are covered by their automatic conversion process, as of now,  include: The United States, United Kingdom, France, Germany, Spain, Italy, India, Japan, Brazil, and Canada.  For more information, visit the Amazon web site and be sure to drink plenty of caffeine.

What does this "KDP Select" stuff mean?  It means Amazon Prime members can LEND and BORROW those e-books for FREE.  Yes.  For Free!  Ok, well, becoming an Amazon Prime member isn't really "free", but it does give you some pretty darn amazing discounts and cool features you can't get otherwise.

How Many of my e-Books are enrolled in this "KDP Select" program for Amazon Prime members to benefit from?  All of them.  If you find any that are not available for lending and borrowing on Amazon Prime as of July 26, 2013, please post a comment here and let me know!

How do I know which books are written by this same "David M. Stein"?  I've been told there are other "David Stein" authors out there, some with rather interesting tastes in book topics.  Rest assured that I have only written the books you see listed on my Kindle Author's page

Why am I doing this?  It's simple:  I have four kids still living at home, and my car is pretty darn old.  So you can rest assured that while you save money, and stuff your brain with new information, you're also helping a good cause.
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Posted in amazon, books, deployment, flexnet, kindle, programming, publishing, reading, software deployment, software development, software packaging, system center, vbscript, visual lisp, windows | No comments

Tuesday, 23 July 2013

Question of the Day

Posted on 07:48 by Unknown
Question of the Day:  (Assuming there is a "God"....) Does God make mistakes?

Options:

1. Yes - Why and How?

2. No - Then why does man feel the urge to continuously try to fix things beyond their cause?
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Posted in religion, society | No comments

Thursday, 20 June 2013

My Trip to West Virginia (Updated)

Posted on 18:03 by Unknown
Updated 6/21/13:

I haven't posted any in-depth stories in quite a while, so I'm overdo obviously.  If you're going on the ride with me now, then grab your coffee, sit down, and strap-in (or strap on, if that's your thing).  The ride is about to begin.

My brother Larry (second-oldest in our family; I'm the youngest) and I drove up to his cabin on top of one of North Fork Mountain, one of the tallest places in West "By-God" Virginia back in mid-May of this year.  About one month ago, as the crow flies.  He lives in Northern Virginia, and I live in Virginia Beach, in the Southeastern corner of the state, about three hours apart via driving.  To make things convenient, we met at my sister's house in Richmond, parked my car, and hopped in his Jeep to continue on our trip.  In all, it was about a five-hour journey to our destination in West Virginia.

I took so many pictures of the beautiful scenery along the way that my poor 16 GB iPhone 4S couldn't keep up.  If I didn't have my laptop to offload them onto, I would have been seriously depressed. (Yes, I know, you Android folks are going to tell me to get an Android phone, which I may very well do upon my next renewal on Verizon unless Apple pulls a major upset between now and August 2013).

The Scenery

What can I say?  The rolling pastures, the small towns, and the gracefully winding roads along the way are simply candy for my hungry eyeballs.  I haven't traveled to as many places within America as most of my friends have, but I have been through Colorado, Maryland, Virginia, North Carolina, Michigan, quite a bit of Florida, New Jersey and Pennsylvania.  I'm convinced that West Virginia contains some of the most beautiful land I have ever set foot upon.

 The first picture shows the snow-melt creek that runs under the entrance road at the main gate at the foot of the mountain.  The land around the foot of the mountain is part of a small county of mostly small family dairy farms, chicken and pig farms, and crops.

Inside the gate, and up the mountain, it's private land.  The mountain is parsed into lots of anywhere from two to five acres each.  My brother's cabin is on a 3 acre lot on the eastern-facing side of the top of the mountain.

The little lizard guy below was so still in the middle of one of the trails that I first thought it was a kid's toy.  Then I remembered that there aren't any kids on this particular mountain.  As soon as I stooped down to get a closer look, he suddenly moved, which made me jump back a bit.  He (or she?) was about 5-6 inches long from nose to tail.

I saw another one with the same coloring not much later. I also saw another that was black with bright green spots, which was hiding under a rock that I turned over.
 Most of the drive up on Saturday was under an overcast sky.  No rain to speak of, just a calm, cloudy day.

Alpine baby cones

Forest trail (entrance road) near the foot of the mountain

Typical foggy view on Saturday (near the peak)

More baby Alpine cones




The colors of the various trees, flowers and even the rock formations were (are) simply amazing!  The baby Alpine cones are a much more vivid magenta than my iPhone could capture. Some of them have red spores at the tips, while others are pure pink, purple or magenta. I'm sure a tree expert could tell me more, but to me they're either long or short needle Pine trees. :)
The Fruits of our Labor


Mission Semi-Accomplished


Rocks left behind from road-building
Ultimately, our mission was to cover the existing plywood flooring with a layer of tongue-and-groove oak flooring.  We could have easily completed our mission had it not been for a few distractions, setbacks and snafu's.

1. Tools.  Or I should say, lack thereof.  We had most of the obvious items on hand. But it seemed that every time we turned around, there was a small, but important task, which required a tool we didn't think to bring along.  Things like a cordless screwdriver, a chalk line, a pry-bar, and a set of wire cutters.

2. Gas Generator.  The Coleman gas-powered electric generator that my brother purchased was designed by a team of blind monkeys, strung-out on heroin, and with both of their arms broken.  Seriously:  It is the single-worst designed product of ANY KIND that I have EVER encountered in my 49 years of living on this ball of dirt.

Let me elaborate:  The problem started when the "full" tank of gas ran out within an hour of filling it up.  Upon closer inspection, the rubber tube connection between the tank and the carburetor was not rated for gasoline.  It dissolved into a slimy goo.

Taking the generator case apart led to more wonders.  For starters, each of the eight screws was a different length.  As soon as you separate the molded plastic case halves, the lack of internal wiring length translates into immediate disconnections, which are not color coded or matched in any way to make it apparent to the non-blinded monkey how they are to be reconnected.  Then finally, the rubber tube itself is a dog-legged thing with a 3/16" diameter opening on one end, and a 3/8" opening on the other.  Not easily replaced with your standard, run-of-the-mill spare tubing you might have laying around.

Add to this the small but significant feature in the nearby town that they close everything except food stores and doctor's offices on Sundays, which this little mishap conveniently occurred upon.

We managed to drive down to the town in the valley anyway, run into a VERY nice family who had everything they owned laying around their yard, including a spool of rubber tubing which was roughly 1/4" diameter, and could be forced into working a la MacGyver style.  After two hours of bending, twisting, slipping, scraping, bruising, cursing and swearing, we managed to get the tube replaced and after another half-hour we had the casing reassembled and were able to fill the tank again and get it started.  It was now about 10:30 PM.  

With the electricity back in action, and the lights back on, we got to work fast on the flooring and made some decent progress. Measuring, marking, cutting, knocking into place, nailing... wash, rinse, and repeat.

The Crux of the Biscuit

The best part of this whole experience actually had little to do with the flooring task.  It was just spending time with my brother Larry.  When we were little, he was roughly nine years older than I, so we had little in common and no mutual friends.  There weren't many things we did together until many years later.  As we've grown older we tend to stay in touch more and our discussions seem to indicate more in common than either of us ever expected.  With both our mom and dad having passed away, the stories we can share with each other about things that they did are nothing less than priceless.

While we haven't nailed down an exact date, we are determined to go back up to finish the flooring, as well as some overdue maintenance on the windows and siding.  I'm looking forward to it.  More to come, stay tuned!
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Posted in family, mountains, travel, vacation | No comments

Seven Warning Signs of Highly Dysfunctional Programming

Posted on 12:03 by Unknown
This is the long-promised "part 2" ("part deux" for you French folks)  mentioned in this previous article...

http://skatterbrainz.blogspot.com/2013/02/red-alerts-for-bad-programming-part-1.html?m=1

In any case, let's begin:

1. Inconsistent or missing code documentation. 

Document each distinct function or subroutine. Document your variables. Document any complicated sections of code as well. It's not just for someone else; it's to help you as well. A year later, after you've destroyed half of your already-dwindling feeble brain cells on red bull, liquor and meth, and assuming they let you out early on good behavior, you'll be glad you left some clues behind to explain your delusional code. 

2. Inconsistent formatting. 

If you're going to capitalize some particular word or phrase in your code, do it the same throughout ALL of your shitty code. The same goes for indentation. And for God's sake: indent your shitty code!!!  Between the start and end of each function definition, while-loop, if-then-else block, switch-case or select-case block, whatever: indent the crap in between!

If you can't be counted on to be consistent, you can't be counted on to write code that works consistently. 

3. Stupid Versioning. 

If you write code for Google, Microsoft, or Facebook, by all means, follow their internal guidelines. If you work for a start-up along with other developers, coordinate to develop a standard set of guidelines and follow them. 

If you write code for your own projects, try to avoid pretentious douchebaggery habits like setting version numbers as 0.0.01101.33b. Back away from your can of RockStar and come down to Earth a bit. There's nothing wrong or shameful about using version numbers like 1.0 or date-based versioning, like 2013.06.22.01. 

Using stupid long meaningless version numbers doesn't fool anyone into thinking you run your own coding empire with enslaved coders rowing a yacht in unison as you drone out coding orders over a megaphone. 

4. Picking the platform or language without regard to the target demographic. 

If the majority of users you expect to target your uberware at are running on Windows-based devices, then use a platform toolset that is native to that platform. Same goes for Linux, Android, iOS, and what have you.

Using some obscure, or favorite pet languages might be cute and clever, but unless you can prove there is a significant performance benefit, don't bother. If you're concerned about the costs of using those tools, maybe you chose the wrong target audience. 

5. Working in isolation. 

It doesn't matter if you've been writing software code since 1743, if that was even possible; every human can benefit from the advice and experiences of their peers. If you don't feel that your current environment provides any peers, then maybe it's time to consider one of two possible options:

(1) Seek additional staffing.
(2) Quit.

6. Ignoring Redundancy. 

Make backups every day. Make backups every day. Make backups every day. 
Make backups every day. Make backups every day. 

7. Assuming You Are a Namespace. 

Prefix your variables, function names, module names, etc. with a common and consistent naming convention. Preferably something unique and not likely to collide with namespaces on the target platform you are developing for. 

If you app runs on the Google Plus environment it might not be good to name all your public variables "gplus_" 
, or on Facebook to name them "fb_" or "facebook_" ..,whatever. If your app is called "Fubar Plus 2014", maybe a good namespace prefix could be "fubar_", "fubar_2014_", or even "my_shitty_code_".

If you haven't encountered namespace conflicts before, consider yourself either fortunate or be concerned about being the only developer on your target platform. 

8. (BONUS): Coding Without Caffeine. 

I will accept Adderol or some other dextroamphetamine-based stimulant as a suitable substitute. However proficient and productive you believe yourself to be at coding sans chemical stimulation, scientific studies have proven beyond all doubt that said chemical stimulation makes you even more proficient and productive. Even if you suck at coding, you will just suck faster. 

Disclaimer: I can't cite any specific scientific studies, nor am I a professional medical expert, however I have been known to play the role of an expert at social gatherings and on some Internet forums. Actual results may vary. Batteries not included. Add water to make its own sauce. Offer not valid in states where prohibited. 
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Sunday, 9 June 2013

Ten Lessons I Learned in my 20 Years in IT

Posted on 21:12 by Unknown
As just one of thousands of professional IT consultants, who routinely guide unsure customers through spending thousands, even millions of dollars, based *entirely* on their trust in you and your experience, the most important lessons I've ever learned through the past twenty years could be summed up as follows:

1. If you don't absolutely, truthfully and unconditionally know the answer to a question, say you don't know. It's not a crime to not know every answer. 

2. If you didn't directly see it with your own eyes; directly hear it with your own ears; touch, taste or smell it, do not EVER say you know for sure it happened. It's okay to say "I heard that ____ happened...".

3. Treat everyone with respect until they give you a reason not to. Do your best to greet every person who passes by. If you're tired of dealing with a shitty world, stop adding to the shittiness. You'd be surprised how many interesting people you will encounter when you start off with a smile and a "good morning!"

4. 9999.9999 times out of 10,000 the solution to a technical challenge involves people, not technology. It's almost always a defective process. 

5. Software products are never really finished. 

6. A certificate is nice, but it's no substitute for real experience. 

7. Never trust a vendor who says "trust me"

8. Coffee is the greatest technological invention in the history of mankind. Beer is a very close second place. 

9. Lesson number 8 should be taught from kindergarten through college. 

10. What happens in Vegas usually ends up on Facebook. 



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Posted in people, technology, thoughts | No comments

Sunday, 2 June 2013

So, You Want to Create a New Religion...

Posted on 17:09 by Unknown
I've just polished off a plate of blackened fish tacos and a couple of Mojitos, rode around on my bike  afterwards in 90+ F heat and moderate humidity, so now I'm ready to write something completely stupid and worthless for pure time-wasting.  Sit down, strap in, shut up, and absorb this mind-expanding wisdom I'm about to pour all over you.

Say What?

I was thinking about the current state of world religions and faiths and worship and all that stuff.  And I was also thinking about why so many have been concocted and so many have failed, leaving the relatively small assortment behind for us to shell out our hard-earned money to.  After a few weeks of worshiping the one true, indisputable, Universe-creating God: The Flying Spaghetti Monster, obviously, I got to wondering what it would take to sit down and architect a successful religion in this day and age.  Here goes.

Name

You need a really catchy, but easy to say name.  Something that rolls off the tongue smoothly and with just the right amount of alliteration to make it enjoyable after a round of stiff drinks.  The clear winner is Jesus.  Nobody has nailed this on the head like good old JC has.  Let's face it, even if you are a DIE HARD ATHIEST, and you see a four-headed dog walk in the room and eat all of its own legs right in front of you, the odds are 999,999,9999,999999999 to 1 that you will say one of the following phrases:

  • "Jesus!"
  • "Jesus Christ!"
  • "Jesus H. Christ!"
  • "Jesus T****-F****** Christ!!!" (omage to Team America)
Nobody.  I mean NOBODY ever says "Muhammad!" or "Abraham!" ,when they see something the completely blows their mind.  They can't even begin to utter "Holy Flying Spaghetti Monster!!!" either.  So, case closed.  Slam dunk. You have to settle on a name which is catchier than JC's.

Rituals

Nobody has this one nailed like the Muslims do.  Say what you want about Sunday church services, or Catholic confessional, or whatever the rest of you do, when it comes to demonstrating utmost faith, you just can't beat salat.  Known to Bud-Lite-swillers as "prayin to Mecca a bunch of times erry day?", this is the ritual stopping, laying out a pretty (and clean!) rug, kneeling and praying towards the direction of your holiest city, and doing it FIVE times EVERY DAY.  Slam dunk.  You have to invent a ritual that tops this one.  I'd say you might stand a chance if you involve beer or sex, but short of that, forget it.

Holidays


Christmas is the clear winner.  Not because of the length, which the Jews have in their corner with Hannukah, or Chanukah, or however you spell it this week.  It's because they've managed to tie the entire concept of Jesus' birth with SALES and BUYING STUFF.  Let's face it: It's a natural combination.  When the three wise guys showed up, they obviously stopped off at Old Navy to get the baby wonder something slammin'.  I don't even know what Muslims or Sikhs or Buddhists do on their holidays, which is pretty my point.  If you win over the advertising pukes, you've won, period.  You have to invent holidays that meet the prime directive of your NASCAR/NFL/MLB/Kardashian/Hell's Kitchen watching folk:
  • All of your holidays should land on a Friday or a Monday
  • They should involve buying and sharing gifts
  • They should involve being off of work
  • They should involve beer, sex, fattening foods, and loud engines, or all four

Belief System

This one is a tie.  They're all stupid.  Too many restrictions, period.  Your new religion should take the best of each and add in the usual human margin of stupidity.  For example: Lying.  Everyone lies.  If you really never have lied, and still do not, then you are already a deity, and wouldn't be reading my stupid blog anyway, so shut up.

Self-Control

We all should realize by now that world religions are rife with corruption and human fault.  The only way to avoid such animalistic failure is to build in some sort of self-limiting process.  Kind of like the restricter plate on a NASCAR race car. Maybe institute a prime directive rule that says the supreme leader of your religion must blow him/her self up after X years of leading the sheep.  Maybe something more entertaining, such as requiring them to cut off their own head with a dull knife, live, on YouTube.  And why stop there?!  Make it a requirement to dance around in chicken suit with a cowbell necklace first, and sing Alice Cooper songs.  Then do the deed.

So, there you have it.  If you can concoct a comprehensive, cohesive, structured circus of mindless worshipers using these basic rules, you should be on your way to success.  Just remember to stop and say "Hi!" to Pat Robertson on your way up.  Cheers!
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