Seven Warning Signs of Highly Dysfunctional Programming

This is the long-promised "part 2" ("part deux" for you French folks)  mentioned in this previous article...

http://skatterbrainz.blogspot.com/2013/02/red-alerts-for-bad-programming-part-1.html?m=1

In any case, let's begin:

1. Inconsistent or missing code documentation. 

Document each distinct function or subroutine. Document your variables. Document any complicated sections of code as well. It's not just for someone else; it's to help you as well. A year later, after you've destroyed half of your already-dwindling feeble brain cells on red bull, liquor and meth, and assuming they let you out early on good behavior, you'll be glad you left some clues behind to explain your delusional code. 

2. Inconsistent formatting. 

If you're going to capitalize some particular word or phrase in your code, do it the same throughout ALL of your shitty code. The same goes for indentation. And for God's sake: indent your shitty code!!!  Between the start and end of each function definition, while-loop, if-then-else block, switch-case or select-case block, whatever: indent the crap in between!

If you can't be counted on to be consistent, you can't be counted on to write code that works consistently. 

3. Stupid Versioning. 

If you write code for Google, Microsoft, or Facebook, by all means, follow their internal guidelines. If you work for a start-up along with other developers, coordinate to develop a standard set of guidelines and follow them. 

If you write code for your own projects, try to avoid pretentious douchebaggery habits like setting version numbers as 0.0.01101.33b. Back away from your can of RockStar and come down to Earth a bit. There's nothing wrong or shameful about using version numbers like 1.0 or date-based versioning, like 2013.06.22.01. 

Using stupid long meaningless version numbers doesn't fool anyone into thinking you run your own coding empire with enslaved coders rowing a yacht in unison as you drone out coding orders over a megaphone. 

4. Picking the platform or language without regard to the target demographic. 

If the majority of users you expect to target your uberware at are running on Windows-based devices, then use a platform toolset that is native to that platform. Same goes for Linux, Android, iOS, and what have you.

Using some obscure, or favorite pet languages might be cute and clever, but unless you can prove there is a significant performance benefit, don't bother. If you're concerned about the costs of using those tools, maybe you chose the wrong target audience. 

5. Working in isolation. 

It doesn't matter if you've been writing software code since 1743, if that was even possible; every human can benefit from the advice and experiences of their peers. If you don't feel that your current environment provides any peers, then maybe it's time to consider one of two possible options:

(1) Seek additional staffing.

(2) Quit.

6. Ignoring Redundancy. 

Make backups every day. Make backups every day. Make backups every day. 

Make backups every day. Make backups every day. 

7. Assuming You Are a Namespace. 

Prefix your variables, function names, module names, etc. with a common and consistent naming convention. Preferably something unique and not likely to collide with namespaces on the target platform you are developing for. 

If you app runs on the Google Plus environment it might not be good to name all your public variables "gplus_" 

, or on Facebook to name them "fb_" or "facebook_" ..,whatever. If your app is called "Fubar Plus 2014", maybe a good namespace prefix could be "fubar_", "fubar_2014_", or even "my_shitty_code_".

If you haven't encountered namespace conflicts before, consider yourself either fortunate or be concerned about being the only developer on your target platform. 

8. (BONUS): Coding Without Caffeine. 

I will accept Adderol or some other dextroamphetamine-based stimulant as a suitable substitute. However proficient and productive you believe yourself to be at coding sans chemical stimulation, scientific studies have proven beyond all doubt that said chemical stimulation makes you even more proficient and productive. Even if you suck at coding, you will just suck faster. 

Disclaimer: I can't cite any specific scientific studies, nor am I a professional medical expert, however I have been known to play the role of an expert at social gatherings and on some Internet forums. Actual results may vary. Batteries not included. Add water to make its own sauce. Offer not valid in states where prohibited. 

Read More

Ten Lessons I Learned in my 20 Years in IT

As just one of thousands of professional IT consultants, who routinely guide unsure customers through spending thousands, even millions of dollars, based *entirely* on their trust in you and your experience, the most important lessons I've ever learned through the past twenty years could be summed up as follows:

1. If you don't absolutely, truthfully and unconditionally know the answer to a question, say you don't know. It's not a crime to not know every answer. 

2. If you didn't directly see it with your own eyes; directly hear it with your own ears; touch, taste or smell it, do not EVER say you know for sure it happened. It's okay to say "I heard that ____ happened...".

3. Treat everyone with respect until they give you a reason not to. Do your best to greet every person who passes by. If you're tired of dealing with a shitty world, stop adding to the shittiness. You'd be surprised how many interesting people you will encounter when you start off with a smile and a "good morning!"

4. 9999.9999 times out of 10,000 the solution to a technical challenge involves people, not technology. It's almost always a defective process. 

5. Software products are never really finished. 

6. A certificate is nice, but it's no substitute for real experience. 

7. Never trust a vendor who says "trust me"

8. Coffee is the greatest technological invention in the history of mankind. Beer is a very close second place. 

9. Lesson number 8 should be taught from kindergarten through college. 

10. What happens in Vegas usually ends up on Facebook. 

Read More

So, You Want to Create a New Religion...

I've just polished off a plate of blackened fish tacos and a couple of Mojitos, rode around on my bike  afterwards in 90+ F heat and moderate humidity, so now I'm ready to write something completely stupid and worthless for pure time-wasting.  Sit down, strap in, shut up, and absorb this mind-expanding wisdom I'm about to pour all over you.

Say What?

I was thinking about the current state of world religions and faiths and worship and all that stuff.  And I was also thinking about why so many have been concocted and so many have failed, leaving the relatively small assortment behind for us to shell out our hard-earned money to.  After a few weeks of worshiping the one true, indisputable, Universe-creating God: The Flying Spaghetti Monster, obviously, I got to wondering what it would take to sit down and architect a successful religion in this day and age.  Here goes.

Name

You need a really catchy, but easy to say name.  Something that rolls off the tongue smoothly and with just the right amount of alliteration to make it enjoyable after a round of stiff drinks.  The clear winner is Jesus.  Nobody has nailed this on the head like good old JC has.  Let's face it, even if you are a DIE HARD ATHIEST, and you see a four-headed dog walk in the room and eat all of its own legs right in front of you, the odds are 999,999,9999,999999999 to 1 that you will say one of the following phrases:

• "Jesus!"
• "Jesus Christ!"
• "Jesus H. Christ!"
• "Jesus T****-F****** Christ!!!" (omage to Team America)

Nobody.  I mean NOBODY ever says "Muhammad!" or "Abraham!" ,when they see something the completely blows their mind.  They can't even begin to utter "Holy Flying Spaghetti Monster!!!" either.  So, case closed.  Slam dunk. You have to settle on a name which is catchier than JC's.

Rituals

Nobody has this one nailed like the Muslims do.  Say what you want about Sunday church services, or Catholic confessional, or whatever the rest of you do, when it comes to demonstrating utmost faith, you just can't beat salat.  Known to Bud-Lite-swillers as "prayin to Mecca a bunch of times erry day?", this is the ritual stopping, laying out a pretty (and clean!) rug, kneeling and praying towards the direction of your holiest city, and doing it FIVE times EVERY DAY.  Slam dunk.  You have to invent a ritual that tops this one.  I'd say you might stand a chance if you involve beer or sex, but short of that, forget it.

Holidays

Christmas is the clear winner.  Not because of the length, which the Jews have in their corner with Hannukah, or Chanukah, or however you spell it this week.  It's because they've managed to tie the entire concept of Jesus' birth with SALES and BUYING STUFF.  Let's face it: It's a natural combination.  When the three wise guys showed up, they obviously stopped off at Old Navy to get the baby wonder something slammin'.  I don't even know what Muslims or Sikhs or Buddhists do on their holidays, which is pretty my point.  If you win over the advertising pukes, you've won, period.  You have to invent holidays that meet the prime directive of your NASCAR/NFL/MLB/Kardashian/Hell's Kitchen watching folk:

• All of your holidays should land on a Friday or a Monday
• They should involve buying and sharing gifts
• They should involve being off of work
• They should involve beer, sex, fattening foods, and loud engines, or all four

Belief System

This one is a tie.  They're all stupid.  Too many restrictions, period.  Your new religion should take the best of each and add in the usual human margin of stupidity.  For example: Lying.  Everyone lies.  If you really never have lied, and still do not, then you are already a deity, and wouldn't be reading my stupid blog anyway, so shut up.

Self-Control

We all should realize by now that world religions are rife with corruption and human fault.  The only way to avoid such animalistic failure is to build in some sort of self-limiting process.  Kind of like the restricter plate on a NASCAR race car. Maybe institute a prime directive rule that says the supreme leader of your religion must blow him/her self up after X years of leading the sheep.  Maybe something more entertaining, such as requiring them to cut off their own head with a dull knife, live, on YouTube.  And why stop there?!  Make it a requirement to dance around in chicken suit with a cowbell necklace first, and sing Alice Cooper songs.  Then do the deed.

So, there you have it.  If you can concoct a comprehensive, cohesive, structured circus of mindless worshipers using these basic rules, you should be on your way to success.  Just remember to stop and say "Hi!" to Pat Robertson on your way up.  Cheers!

Read More

Dave's List of Most Increditastical Fantabulous Drumming Tracks

(Preface:  I played drums and percussion "professionally" for about fifteen years, many years ago.
 I don't play anymore - can't afford a new set - but I still tap the shit out of my steering wheel, lap,
dashboard, and anything that's not fast enough to run away - when there's a good tune on).

Most Fun-to-Play Drum Tracks:

Track	Performer	Band/Artist	Album
Southbound Suarez	John Bonham	Led Zeppelin	In Through the Out Door
Cinema	Alan White	Yes	90125
Peaches En Regalia	Vinnie Colaiuta	Frank Zappa	Tinsel Town Rebellion
Double Talkin' Jive	Matt Sorum	Guns n' Roses	Use Your Illusion I
Doctor Feelgood	Tommy Lee	Motley Crue	Doctor Feelgood
Dirty Little Thing	Matt Sorum	Velvet Revolver	Contraband
Jessica	Butch Trucks / Jaimo Johannsen	The Allman Brothers Band	Eat a Peach
Crime of the Century	Bob Siebenberg	Supertramp	Crime of The Century
Trampled Under Foot	John Bonham	Led Zeppelin	Physical Graffiti
Greasy Kid Stuff	Chris Frazier	Steve Vai	Passion and Warfare
I'd Love to Change The World	Ric Lee	Ten Years After	A Space In Time

Most Fun-to-Play Percussion Tracks:

Track	Performer	Band/Artist	Album
Oye Como Va?	Michael Shrieve	Santana	Abraxas
Mind Ecology	Zakir Hussein	Shakti with John McLaughlin	Natural Elements

Stinkiest, Drippiest Groove-Oriented

Track	Performer	Band/Artist	Album
Never Alone	Vinnie Colaiuta	Jeff Beck	Emotion and Commotion
The Animal	Chris Frazier	Steve Vai	Passion and Warfare
Can't You Hear Me Knockin?	Charlie Watts	The Rolling Stones	Sticky Fingers
Belief	xx	John Mayer	Continuum

Trickiest to Learn

Track	Performer	Band/Artist	Album
YYZ	Neil Peart	Rush	Moving Pictures
Changes	Alan White	Yes	90125
Space Boogie	Simon Philips	Jeff Beck	There And Back
Windows To The Soul	Mike Mangini	Steve Vai	The Ultra Zone

Most Ass-Kicking, Balls-Through-the-Wall, Drum Snippets (intro or solo)

Track	Performer	Band/Artist	Album
Pick Me, I'm Clean	Vinnie Colaiuta	Frank Zappa	Tinsel Town Rebellion
Over The Mountain	Tommy Aldridge	Ozzy	Diary Of A Madman
Hot For Teacher	Alex Van Halen	Van Halen	1984

Read More

Shiny New AutoCAD, Same Old VLISP

I'm beyond the point of crying over the demise of Visual LISP.  A once-mighty development platform with an impressive following (and one-time unrivaled volume-king of content), now relegated to bleeding out on the scrap heap of soon-to-be forgotten languages.

When John Walker chose LISP as the core extensible language for AutoCAD, he did so on the basis of its inherent dynamic polymorphic nature.  Recursion and chameleon-like characteristics made it as fluid and flexible as a the T2 walking through the mental hospital metal bar gate (without the pistol, of course).

What Autodesk is ignoring is potential. There is and always has been potential within the Visual LISP world to grow the language as a standalone platform. It could be used for so much more than CAD purposes. Even DCL could join in on the ride beyond the walls of Fort AutoCAD.

Once unfamiliar programmers got used to working with lists and functions like mapcar, apply and lambda, who knows where it could lead?

Read More

Autodesk Product Feature Codes (FlexLM), versions 2010 to 2014

I had to look-up feature codes for Autodesk products to verify some of our FlexLM license files today and figured I'd share the fruits of my vegetating brain work.


Autodesk 2010: http://usa.autodesk.com/adsk/servlet/ps/dl/item?siteID=123112&id=13219652&linkID=12305695

Autodesk 2011: http://usa.autodesk.com/adsk/servlet/ps/dl/item?siteID=123112&id=15224763&linkID=13806469

Autodesk 2012: http://usa.autodesk.com/adsk/servlet/ps/dl/item?siteID=123112&id=17288427&linkID=9243099

Autodesk 2013: http://usa.autodesk.com/adsk/servlet/ps/dl/item?siteID=123112&id=18708301&linkID=9242258

Autodesk 2014: http://usa.autodesk.com/adsk/servlet/ps/dl/item?siteID=123112&id=21374698&linkID=12305695

Enjoy!

Read More

Biography Template - Male

Introduction

The purpose of this document is to provide a fill-in-the-blank form for creating a biographical write-up while keeping the reader interested and alert.  Just copy and paste the content below into your favorite text editor, and replace the FIRSTNAME, MIDDLENAME, and LASTNAME entries with yours, and you're ready to hand it to any prospective employer or government official.  It's that easy!

Let's Begin...

[INSERT PHOTO HERE] FIRSTNAME MIDDLENAME LASTNAME was born to parents Melvin Shanghai Sukimbo, from Cuba, and Shi-Shi Von Uteristein, from Afghanistan, while living in the small Italian village of Ombwata Kickbutti, on the Eastern shores of Chad.

At the age of two, FIRSTNAME learned to speak fourteen languages, and read and write six more.  Upon entering the first grade, he had mastered multivariate Calculus and factored all of the prime numbers, when he stayed home from school with a mild case of Herpes and Ebola.

By the time FIRSTNAME had entered Middle School, his family had to relocate to Australia to avoid his paternity suit with four Elementary School teachers and the assistant principal.  The suit was eventually dropped when the five plaintiffs mysteriously turned up in an old, rusty, solar-powered wood-chipper somewhere in the lawless gang-ruled neighborhoods of Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia.

Prior to graduating High School, FIRSTNAME earned a scholarship to John C. Holmes University, for his exceptional work curing Cancer, AIDS and his invention of Teflon-coated undergarments.  While studying for PhD thesis, FIRSTNAME co-founded the multi-billion dollar corporation Gasious Clay, manufacturing scent-controlled automated Halon systems for office restrooms.  He sold his interests in that company and spent the next few weeks studying to earn his IT certifications.  By the end of the month, he had earned MCP, MCSA, MSCE, MCSD, MCDST, MCITP, and MCT certifications.  

Within a week after his Bar Mitzvah, FIRSTNAME earned his Cisco CCNA and CCNE certifications. Before his 19th birthday, he won the IronMan competition in France, handily defeating the reigning world champion Moses Van Roidshot.   In fact, FIRSTNAME set a new record for lifting and carrying 500 lbs of concrete blocks across a 100 yard obstacle course, walking on his hands, with the weight suspended from his penis by braided steel cables.

At his next position as the Mexican Ambassador to Somalia, FIRSTNAME solved all of the same problems your company is just now having to deal with.  This makes him the perfect candidate for CEO of your organization, even if you currently do not have a position titled as "CEO". You could do a lot worse, and you always have.

Read More