So, You Want to Create a New Religion...

I've just polished off a plate of blackened fish tacos and a couple of Mojitos, rode around on my bike  afterwards in 90+ F heat and moderate humidity, so now I'm ready to write something completely stupid and worthless for pure time-wasting.  Sit down, strap in, shut up, and absorb this mind-expanding wisdom I'm about to pour all over you.

Say What?

I was thinking about the current state of world religions and faiths and worship and all that stuff.  And I was also thinking about why so many have been concocted and so many have failed, leaving the relatively small assortment behind for us to shell out our hard-earned money to.  After a few weeks of worshiping the one true, indisputable, Universe-creating God: The Flying Spaghetti Monster, obviously, I got to wondering what it would take to sit down and architect a successful religion in this day and age.  Here goes.

Name

You need a really catchy, but easy to say name.  Something that rolls off the tongue smoothly and with just the right amount of alliteration to make it enjoyable after a round of stiff drinks.  The clear winner is Jesus.  Nobody has nailed this on the head like good old JC has.  Let's face it, even if you are a DIE HARD ATHIEST, and you see a four-headed dog walk in the room and eat all of its own legs right in front of you, the odds are 999,999,9999,999999999 to 1 that you will say one of the following phrases:

• "Jesus!"
• "Jesus Christ!"
• "Jesus H. Christ!"
• "Jesus T****-F****** Christ!!!" (omage to Team America)

Nobody.  I mean NOBODY ever says "Muhammad!" or "Abraham!" ,when they see something the completely blows their mind.  They can't even begin to utter "Holy Flying Spaghetti Monster!!!" either.  So, case closed.  Slam dunk. You have to settle on a name which is catchier than JC's.

Rituals

Nobody has this one nailed like the Muslims do.  Say what you want about Sunday church services, or Catholic confessional, or whatever the rest of you do, when it comes to demonstrating utmost faith, you just can't beat salat.  Known to Bud-Lite-swillers as "prayin to Mecca a bunch of times erry day?", this is the ritual stopping, laying out a pretty (and clean!) rug, kneeling and praying towards the direction of your holiest city, and doing it FIVE times EVERY DAY.  Slam dunk.  You have to invent a ritual that tops this one.  I'd say you might stand a chance if you involve beer or sex, but short of that, forget it.

Holidays

Christmas is the clear winner.  Not because of the length, which the Jews have in their corner with Hannukah, or Chanukah, or however you spell it this week.  It's because they've managed to tie the entire concept of Jesus' birth with SALES and BUYING STUFF.  Let's face it: It's a natural combination.  When the three wise guys showed up, they obviously stopped off at Old Navy to get the baby wonder something slammin'.  I don't even know what Muslims or Sikhs or Buddhists do on their holidays, which is pretty my point.  If you win over the advertising pukes, you've won, period.  You have to invent holidays that meet the prime directive of your NASCAR/NFL/MLB/Kardashian/Hell's Kitchen watching folk:

• All of your holidays should land on a Friday or a Monday
• They should involve buying and sharing gifts
• They should involve being off of work
• They should involve beer, sex, fattening foods, and loud engines, or all four

Belief System

This one is a tie.  They're all stupid.  Too many restrictions, period.  Your new religion should take the best of each and add in the usual human margin of stupidity.  For example: Lying.  Everyone lies.  If you really never have lied, and still do not, then you are already a deity, and wouldn't be reading my stupid blog anyway, so shut up.

Self-Control

We all should realize by now that world religions are rife with corruption and human fault.  The only way to avoid such animalistic failure is to build in some sort of self-limiting process.  Kind of like the restricter plate on a NASCAR race car. Maybe institute a prime directive rule that says the supreme leader of your religion must blow him/her self up after X years of leading the sheep.  Maybe something more entertaining, such as requiring them to cut off their own head with a dull knife, live, on YouTube.  And why stop there?!  Make it a requirement to dance around in chicken suit with a cowbell necklace first, and sing Alice Cooper songs.  Then do the deed.

So, there you have it.  If you can concoct a comprehensive, cohesive, structured circus of mindless worshipers using these basic rules, you should be on your way to success.  Just remember to stop and say "Hi!" to Pat Robertson on your way up.  Cheers!

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Dave's List of Most Increditastical Fantabulous Drumming Tracks

(Preface:  I played drums and percussion "professionally" for about fifteen years, many years ago.
 I don't play anymore - can't afford a new set - but I still tap the shit out of my steering wheel, lap,
dashboard, and anything that's not fast enough to run away - when there's a good tune on).

Most Fun-to-Play Drum Tracks:

Track	Performer	Band/Artist	Album
Southbound Suarez	John Bonham	Led Zeppelin	In Through the Out Door
Cinema	Alan White	Yes	90125
Peaches En Regalia	Vinnie Colaiuta	Frank Zappa	Tinsel Town Rebellion
Double Talkin' Jive	Matt Sorum	Guns n' Roses	Use Your Illusion I
Doctor Feelgood	Tommy Lee	Motley Crue	Doctor Feelgood
Dirty Little Thing	Matt Sorum	Velvet Revolver	Contraband
Jessica	Butch Trucks / Jaimo Johannsen	The Allman Brothers Band	Eat a Peach
Crime of the Century	Bob Siebenberg	Supertramp	Crime of The Century
Trampled Under Foot	John Bonham	Led Zeppelin	Physical Graffiti
Greasy Kid Stuff	Chris Frazier	Steve Vai	Passion and Warfare
I'd Love to Change The World	Ric Lee	Ten Years After	A Space In Time

Most Fun-to-Play Percussion Tracks:

Track	Performer	Band/Artist	Album
Oye Como Va?	Michael Shrieve	Santana	Abraxas
Mind Ecology	Zakir Hussein	Shakti with John McLaughlin	Natural Elements

Stinkiest, Drippiest Groove-Oriented

Track	Performer	Band/Artist	Album
Never Alone	Vinnie Colaiuta	Jeff Beck	Emotion and Commotion
The Animal	Chris Frazier	Steve Vai	Passion and Warfare
Can't You Hear Me Knockin?	Charlie Watts	The Rolling Stones	Sticky Fingers
Belief	xx	John Mayer	Continuum

Trickiest to Learn

Track	Performer	Band/Artist	Album
YYZ	Neil Peart	Rush	Moving Pictures
Changes	Alan White	Yes	90125
Space Boogie	Simon Philips	Jeff Beck	There And Back
Windows To The Soul	Mike Mangini	Steve Vai	The Ultra Zone

Most Ass-Kicking, Balls-Through-the-Wall, Drum Snippets (intro or solo)

Track	Performer	Band/Artist	Album
Pick Me, I'm Clean	Vinnie Colaiuta	Frank Zappa	Tinsel Town Rebellion
Over The Mountain	Tommy Aldridge	Ozzy	Diary Of A Madman
Hot For Teacher	Alex Van Halen	Van Halen	1984

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Shiny New AutoCAD, Same Old VLISP

I'm beyond the point of crying over the demise of Visual LISP.  A once-mighty development platform with an impressive following (and one-time unrivaled volume-king of content), now relegated to bleeding out on the scrap heap of soon-to-be forgotten languages.

When John Walker chose LISP as the core extensible language for AutoCAD, he did so on the basis of its inherent dynamic polymorphic nature.  Recursion and chameleon-like characteristics made it as fluid and flexible as a the T2 walking through the mental hospital metal bar gate (without the pistol, of course).

What Autodesk is ignoring is potential. There is and always has been potential within the Visual LISP world to grow the language as a standalone platform. It could be used for so much more than CAD purposes. Even DCL could join in on the ride beyond the walls of Fort AutoCAD.

Once unfamiliar programmers got used to working with lists and functions like mapcar, apply and lambda, who knows where it could lead?

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Autodesk Product Feature Codes (FlexLM), versions 2010 to 2014

I had to look-up feature codes for Autodesk products to verify some of our FlexLM license files today and figured I'd share the fruits of my vegetating brain work.


Autodesk 2010: http://usa.autodesk.com/adsk/servlet/ps/dl/item?siteID=123112&id=13219652&linkID=12305695

Autodesk 2011: http://usa.autodesk.com/adsk/servlet/ps/dl/item?siteID=123112&id=15224763&linkID=13806469

Autodesk 2012: http://usa.autodesk.com/adsk/servlet/ps/dl/item?siteID=123112&id=17288427&linkID=9243099

Autodesk 2013: http://usa.autodesk.com/adsk/servlet/ps/dl/item?siteID=123112&id=18708301&linkID=9242258

Autodesk 2014: http://usa.autodesk.com/adsk/servlet/ps/dl/item?siteID=123112&id=21374698&linkID=12305695

Enjoy!

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Biography Template - Male

Introduction

The purpose of this document is to provide a fill-in-the-blank form for creating a biographical write-up while keeping the reader interested and alert.  Just copy and paste the content below into your favorite text editor, and replace the FIRSTNAME, MIDDLENAME, and LASTNAME entries with yours, and you're ready to hand it to any prospective employer or government official.  It's that easy!

Let's Begin...

[INSERT PHOTO HERE] FIRSTNAME MIDDLENAME LASTNAME was born to parents Melvin Shanghai Sukimbo, from Cuba, and Shi-Shi Von Uteristein, from Afghanistan, while living in the small Italian village of Ombwata Kickbutti, on the Eastern shores of Chad.

At the age of two, FIRSTNAME learned to speak fourteen languages, and read and write six more.  Upon entering the first grade, he had mastered multivariate Calculus and factored all of the prime numbers, when he stayed home from school with a mild case of Herpes and Ebola.

By the time FIRSTNAME had entered Middle School, his family had to relocate to Australia to avoid his paternity suit with four Elementary School teachers and the assistant principal.  The suit was eventually dropped when the five plaintiffs mysteriously turned up in an old, rusty, solar-powered wood-chipper somewhere in the lawless gang-ruled neighborhoods of Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia.

Prior to graduating High School, FIRSTNAME earned a scholarship to John C. Holmes University, for his exceptional work curing Cancer, AIDS and his invention of Teflon-coated undergarments.  While studying for PhD thesis, FIRSTNAME co-founded the multi-billion dollar corporation Gasious Clay, manufacturing scent-controlled automated Halon systems for office restrooms.  He sold his interests in that company and spent the next few weeks studying to earn his IT certifications.  By the end of the month, he had earned MCP, MCSA, MSCE, MCSD, MCDST, MCITP, and MCT certifications.  

Within a week after his Bar Mitzvah, FIRSTNAME earned his Cisco CCNA and CCNE certifications. Before his 19th birthday, he won the IronMan competition in France, handily defeating the reigning world champion Moses Van Roidshot.   In fact, FIRSTNAME set a new record for lifting and carrying 500 lbs of concrete blocks across a 100 yard obstacle course, walking on his hands, with the weight suspended from his penis by braided steel cables.

At his next position as the Mexican Ambassador to Somalia, FIRSTNAME solved all of the same problems your company is just now having to deal with.  This makes him the perfect candidate for CEO of your organization, even if you currently do not have a position titled as "CEO". You could do a lot worse, and you always have.

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How to Not Suck at Scripting, Part 1

I hear this ALL OF THE TIME from IT guys who have somehow not caught the script-writing bug: "I wish I knew how to write scripts". Usually it's followed by a deep breath, a sigh, and staring off either up into the ether, or down at the ground.  I'm here to tell you how you can find that bug, and make it bite you in the ass. This is Part 1 of a 2-part article.  This part will focus on the "why" aspects.  Part 2 will focus on the "what" and "how" aspects.

The Basic Basics

First off, before I get into the enumerated list, I have to explain what is this thing we call "script-writing" or "scripting".  A "program" or "application" generally implies, or denotes, program code that has been compiled into a new binary file that can be executed by the operating system, or by another (aka "host") application.  A "script", on the other hand, is generally *not* compiled into a new (i.e. binary, hex, octal, whatever) file, but left "as-is" in the original "source code".

Source Code is the stuff you type with your own sweaty, trembling Red Bull-infused hands.  If you use something like Windows Notepad to open a program file, and you can actually spot words or phrases in your native language (e.g. English, German, etc.) it's probably either source code or script code.  If you open it in Notepad and it looks like the following crap, it's probably compiled code.

MZ
(*&(#*$)@&)#($*@&#$*&^(000011100-11)!00*!&^0010010101100011100(*&@#][}{}\?<>??::^!@~&^%&^0111011010101001]]]

The simplest giveaway is the file name extension.  I'm not going to back to 101 level stuff here, but you should have a clue that .EXE files are programs or applications, while .BAT, .VBS, .JS, .PS1 and .PY are usually script files.

One important thing to remember is that while there are many scripting languages, they are all basically serving a common purpose:  providing a low-cost, low-complication resource for system admins to automate tedious or repetitive tasks.  Sure, some languages offer more robust features for certain tasks than others, but in the end, it's a matter of matching up the tools for the jobs.

This discussion dovetails a bit with my recent post titled "Why Every SysAdmin Should Learn to Write a Script", however, this one will go in the direction of establishing a few basic technical ground rules.  Stay tuned for more... :)

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Another Book Announcement and More!

I've just published another book!  Yes! I know exactly what you're thinking:  "What the...? Why do they let him keep doing this?!  Have they no mercy upon our eyeballs?!"

Well, in the interests of science, humanity, environment and the ever-pressing need to keep gasoline in the tank of my car, I've decided it was time to pull together as many of the mindless stories I could from my old-as-dirt years working in the world of IT.  That was a very long run-on sentence.  My high school English teachers are probably rolling over in their graves right now.

There's also quite a lot of blabber about how I got into the world of IT and how I swam through the sea of CAD into the ocean of Infrastructure Management and Software Development. It really is fascinating.  Not how I got into IT, but the fact that I could construct a sentence that almost sounded coherent.  Wow!

What's this New Book All About?

The new book is called "You're Only as Good as Your Last Mistake".  Sub-titled "25 Years of Boneheaded Reflection and Stupid IT Stories to Dull your Senses".  It's a blending of a little biographical nonsense, some seriously pretentious pontification, some articles adapted from my blog (this blog), and stories about things going bump in the electronic night. I suppose it could be called a BioTechieHumorFailDisasterFest.  Uhhh.  Yeah.

It's available on the Amazon Kindle store in every country where Amazon can sell books (US, UK, France, Germany, Italy, India, Japan, Spain, Canada and Brazil, as far as I know).

Here's the GOOD NEWS!

• It's only $2.99 (USD) and whatever that translates to in other currency
• Don't have a Kindle?  No problem.  You can download a FREE Kindle Reader app for iPhone, Android, Blackberry, Windows Phone, Windows XP/Vista/7/8, Mac OS, and ...
• You can read Kindle books online in almost any web browser using the Kindle Cloud Reader!
• If you are an Amazon Prime member, you can "borrow" eBooks, including all of my eBooks, for FREE!

What's the Catch?

• I only ask a small favor:  It's a BIG favor for me, and a small effort on your part, but I really would appreciate honest reviews of my books.  If you've purchased, or borrowed, any of my eBooks and actually read them (without pausing in the middle to stab yourself in the eyeballs with a fork), please go to the Amazon web site for the book(s) you've read and submit your opinion on them?
• You can start at my Author Profile page to make it easy.
• Thank you!

Sample: "Where it All Began: From Doritos to Digital Ships"

"Chronologically it's weird, because some of those jobs were in parallel with others.  For example, in that maze of titles I managed to fit in roughly five good years of rock and jazz band, but whatever. I also weaved in about ten years of artwork (painting, drawing, squishing clay stuff around, and so on) which never earned me more than "Hey man, that's cool!"  I remember responding a few times with "Cool enough to buy?", and the response to that being something like "Yeah! By somebody.", but somehow "somebody" could never be found. 

Sometime in early 1984, Mark, one of my brothers stoned friends, walked into our kitchen while I was maniacally inhaling a bowl of Fruit Loops (my favorite cereal at the time).He stopped at the doorway to exclaim "I got a job, dude!" to which we all replied with stunned silence.  I decided to inquire, saying something intelligent like "Oh yeah? What?"  

He explained that he was hired as a "Naval Designer" at a local Naval engineering firm, and went on to indulge us in this magically mysterious thing called "benefits", and something even more interesting, called a "salary". If I hadn't grown up in a Navy town (okay, a Navy "region"), I would have assumed a "Naval Engineer" designed belly-button replacements or something. 

Most of what Mark said was really fascinating, even though I could barely hear his muttering over my own cereal-chewing noise.  The best way to describe him is to think of someone who looks, sounds, and acts a lot like Jeff Spiccolli (Fast Times at Ridgemont High), only not as funny, has a mustache and wears glasses, coming in and telling you he was hired at an engineering firm.  You get the idea. 

Somewhere towards the end of my bowl of cereal Mark said something that perked my ears up.  I think it was something he mentioned about there being more positions needing to be filled, and that they paid pretty well. As it turned out, there were roughly twenty openings for "Drafting Apprentice" jobs, so I ran down and applied.  After a short interview ("Can you hold a pencil, boy? Alrighty! You is hired!"). 

I was finger-printed, scanned, questioned, photographed, probed and stamped with a badge and told to show up at 7:30 AM the following Monday.  That led to five or six years of my work as a Drafter/Designer in the U.S. Naval engineering field." 

Sample above (C)2013 David M. Stein, All Rights Reserved. May not be reproduced or copied, transmitted, in whole or in part, for any purposes or derivative use, without explicit written consent of the author (me). And let's face it: If you're so desperate that you'd consider copying this literary fast food schlock, well, you may need some serious medication already.

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